New paintings and regular art updates.
Esther Chiltons weekly prompt was light. As I’m feeling rather sad it bought out a feeling of regret in me:
Light, a rainbow effect, but black? Darkness, hidden, lonely. Why do I want to sit hidden in the dark as the days sparkle around me? Is this my fate? I need to escape into light, but by the time my sad thoughts allow me it will probably be raining. We have been singing “this little light of mine” at choir recently. I need a glimmer of hope. X
You birthday was today
But there is no voice
No laughter
No sudden shout
Of annoyance or glee.
You were here, then gone
Lost in space
Not forgotten by me
But gone from the world
We always held hands
Grasping our dreams
Let’s go out
Take a trip?
Now I stay still
Remembering but not visiting
Still waiting
For your non return.
You hold my heart in your hands.
Squeeze a little and my heart burns.
Squeeze a lot? Somersaults.
The thumping steadies.
I need blood pressure medication.
Once many years ago we met.
First sight love?
No, it took a while.
No dancing bliss.
I almost gave you a miss.
My first kiss? Shy.
Then you were my guy.
But once it started.
Love and happiness grew.
Blossomed in Spring.
Flowered in summer.
Was gentle in autumn.
But flew away and was lost in winter.
Now love and greif mix.
I can imagine no one else.
But you.
I look at the bedroom window and see my hubbys cask of ashes there. I tell him it’s a sunny day and I wish he was here. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this low, and I’ve spent most of the day in silence. I spoke to a neighbour and had a brief chat, but that was like a tiny sticking plaster trying to cover over a deep gash in my flesh. It was never going to hold for long.
I’m sitting quietly, the TV is on. I just watched a show where a nurse recently lost her husband in an accident and the tears started filling me up. Like an ocean overtopping flood defences. Now I feel tired out and just overwhelmed with sadness. I need to get out, but I won’t ask anyone. I need to talk but I’m struck dumb, I need to feel better but I feel so low. I’m saying these things here to get them off my shoulders and mind. Things have got to improve, they must.
How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?
I was going along, minding my own business, when things started to go wrong. You know that you want to carry on the same way as you have done for decades, but it’s impossible.
Life is a process of getting older, bits don’t exactly drop off, but they stop working properly. Illness and health can have a massive impact. Sometimes you can feel better, other times you feel worse and that causes problems and pressure to deal with.
Youth is a wonderful thing but it’s over so soon and we don’t appreciate it until its gone. The trouble is, if you enjoy your youth you might not last to see old age!
To Wales, and the lake district, and Scarborough, and Devon and Dorset. All the places I’ve been on holiday in my life. I want to ESCAPE! Get to beautiful places, see the coast, the mountains, get out of the city.
I can’t get away to the sea and sky. My mind won’t let me, my arms won’t let me, my legs won’t let me. I get worried, I think of things that might happen. I need to have company. Isn’t that strange? When I had my hubby we went everywhere together. Now he’s gone there is no one to reassure me. To make it safe. I’m fed up. Anxious, frustrated, lost, fearful.
Sorry to go on.
Something is occurring on UK tv
An orange smarmfest for people to see
So many millions drink the juice
And find their brains are letting loose
Thoughts of selfishness and pain
Their minds are so full of distain
For the poor and the elderly
Veterans too.
No fears in their minds
For those they will hurt
Much rather to vote
For an Orange Jerk.
My friend sent me this photo (I don’t have an attribution for it). This was a few year’s ago when it was open and the Leopard Hotel was running ghost tours and serving lovely food.
Then one of the owners died and it was taken over by a family member. I don’t know what happened but I think Covid didn’t help. In the end it closed and the owner moved elsewhere. Although the frontage looked OK it needed a tremendous amount of money spending on it as it was partly derelict in the back upper floors.
The hotel stood empty for months, it was bought by an entrepreneur who may have been going to turn it into flats. Unfortunately someone got in and apparently set up a cannabis farm in it (what I heard). Then it simply burnt down. Some of the frontage may remain but the place is boarded up.
I was involved for a while because I painted the murals in the back room, the Arnold Bennett Suite. I never got decent photos in there. I do hope it can be restored.
It doesn’t look like much but I can see the floor. It means that the people taking some furniture out for me will be able to get through.
It’s taken me a year of grief to get to this point. I have had to get rid of things I might have wanted to keep. To say “goodbye” to things that have sat in the same place for years. The “that will come in handy” stuff, the “oh don’t throw that away, I’ll have it”, stuff.
I have also uncovered a large patch of damp under one of my windows, I will have to be responsible and get it patched up. Time, maybe, to stop ignoring things?
I miss the green
The growing leaves
The water and the trees
The bright light
A gentle heat
And birdsong
Give me ease.
I know that when
After the dark
Will come the waited spring
I just wish
At times like this
It would arrive
……
Soon..
Mallaband-Brown