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You birthday was today
But there is no voice
No laughter
No sudden shout
Of annoyance or glee.
You were here, then gone
Lost in space
Not forgotten by me
But gone from the world
We always held hands
Grasping our dreams
Let’s go out
Take a trip?
Now I stay still
Remembering but not visiting
Still waiting
For your non return.
You hold my heart in your hands.
Squeeze a little and my heart burns.
Squeeze a lot? Somersaults.
The thumping steadies.
I need blood pressure medication.
Once many years ago we met.
First sight love?
No, it took a while.
No dancing bliss.
I almost gave you a miss.
My first kiss? Shy.
Then you were my guy.
But once it started.
Love and happiness grew.
Blossomed in Spring.
Flowered in summer.
Was gentle in autumn.
But flew away and was lost in winter.
Now love and greif mix.
I can imagine no one else.
But you.
Speaking to a friend in America about snakes reminded me that there are a few species here including the most venemous one, the Adder. It’s recognisable by the diamond pattern on its back.
My hubby was climbing cliffs in Devon when he was young and put his hand onto a hand hold. He realised to his horror that it was a nest of Vipers! He told me he had nightmares for weeks afterwards.
But there are grass snakes which are lizards not snakes, they have vestigial legs I think. We found one basking in the sand on a Devonian beach one summer holiday. It glinted gold in the setting sun. Wonderful.
You’re writing your autobiography. What’s your opening sentence?
I’ve had a varied life, most of it devoted to art, but I’ve also managed to cram a lot of experiences into it.
I would then go on to detail sow of the art work I have done, but also the adventures I’ve had with my hubby, who was a most eccentric man. Our main mode of transport when we were younger was by bicycle and then a series of pulled old cars that consequently meant we had a lot of situations to deal with. My jobs were also varied and I would talk about as much as I could without disclosing personal information. I am not sure if it would be interesting to anyone else though?
I wrote this about her prompt.
My precious photos are of and with my hubby. Sometimes I sit and cry, sometimes I laugh at silly memories. Photographs captured that moment when we walked across a stream. When we returned hours later the tide had come in and the stream was a deep salt water channel. I lost my bike pump into the water and when I got it out to use again it had gone rusty. Photos can be like that. They can fade. And memory fades too, so photos make it easier not to forget.
What are your favorite sports to watch and play?
I love cycling, it’s been a while since I did any, but I still love it on TV. The tour de France, the tour of Britain, the Vuelta, I try and catch all of them when I can.
I think Mark Cavendish was a brilliant sprinter. He won more stages than any other cyclist in the history of the tour. I think it was 35 over 15 years. He’s from the isle of Man and represented it well.
I like the female tours aswell but they aren’t as well publicised and I’m not sure who the best racers are.
I remember riding down hills and trying to keep up with my hubby who was very fast. He even came third in a big race once against tricyclists. He was the real cyclist, but I’m glad he got me into the sport.
Are you a good judge of character?
What’s on the inside isn’t the same as the outside. You might think one thing about a person based on their physical appearance only to find they are completely different to what you expect.
I’d say mostly that I’m a good judge of character. I’ve met many people over my career and my home life, and mostly it’s been OK. But not always, on a couple of occasions I had to give up on friends who tried to split me and my hubby up, I found out one was saying things about me to needle my hubby into leaving me. I realised that the language he was using was in her way of speaking. It was her attitudes that he was spouting. When we talked it through he thankfully understood that. The second situation was a woman that tried to have an affair with him. She was always calling round when I was out. He told me what she was up to, and we ended the friendship.
Other people have fooled me at work, but you cotton on eventually. It can cause heartache when you mistakenly trust people. But you have to live and learn.
When Covid happened I got used to living in my bubble with my hubby and my cats. I never really came out of that isolation. We were both travelling less and as we both started to suffer with various ailments we often didn’t feel like visiting people or travelling far. I saw friends, but not very often.
Then when I lost my hubby last December, and I had various health issues I virtually stopped going anywhere except to the shops, appointments or the choirs I am in. My one day away this year was a coach trip with a group I am in to the Welsh coast to visit a relative. I was there for 5 or 6 hours then caught the coach home. I’ve found I cannot drive there on my own. I was too used to having my hubby with me as a passenger and I didn’t realise how much I relied on him as a support (and I was supporting him). Nerves and anxiety and illness seem to stop me.
Now I don’t like to bother people, so I try not to ask for help. I stay inside as much as I can, curtains closed, door locked, just occasionally going to the shops when I have run out of most things. I find big supermarkets overwhelming and go round them in the evenings when they are quiet. I know I need to break out, I’m to comfortable with the isolation, but I’m sure it’s not good for me. Plus I miss appointments because of anxiety. I need to pull myself together.. But my curtains remain closed!
Our house, our friends, our relatives.
We were together so long
I can’t say ‘my’ yet
Even after a year.
Sometimes I feel like it’s a dream.
Hubby, my hubby, will be back.
Walk into our house
Be with our friends
Our relatives.
They know
I miss him.
So
Tears, in memory of him, digitally manipulated photo using photodirector (not AI). 4.12.23.
Mallaband-Brown