2024

Late greeting to 2024’s calendar

You arrived at the start

Of January (not a wonder)

And ended 2023 at last

A year I don’t want to remember

Not a good year for me.

May this year be better and hopeful

A leap year, an extra day

February 29 a blessing

Where happiness might just stay.

Apart from that added adventure

The rest may be simply the same

But hopefully pleasant and gentle

I don’t want 2023 again!

Getting paperwork done.

What is your mission?

When something happens to a relative or partner no one explains what you need to do. If you’ve never done it before it can be daunting and if you don’t know what services are out there where do you start?

Children might learn civics at school but adults can’t attend bereavement classes as far as I’m aware. Maybe that should be my mission, to set up a group to help. But at the moment I’m not up to doing that. However I have found out a few things that might help if you live in the UK.

Firstly you need to register the death if that is your responsibility. In England there are local registrars of births, deaths and marriages. You need to make an appointment to do this. They will issue original death certificates. Also contact funeral directors to decide what sort of funeral you want (and can afford).

Once you have the death certificates you will be able to nominate your funeral director to release the body. They will then make arrangements for the funeral. There are now direct or simple cremations that are basic and if you are left in financial difficulty they might be the most suitable. I felt guilty but had discussed this with my partner because we knew he was very ill.

Find out from the department of work and pensions if you are entitled to a funeral or bereavement allowance. The funeral allowance depends on whether you are on an income based allowance. The bereavement payment does not, and gives a small lump sum plus a monthly payment for 18 months.

Find out if you are a beneficiary for your partners private pension if they have one. If you have both written wills make sure you have nominated each other for this. I had to send the death certificate and will plus other information off to the company. Make sure you know each other’s national insurance numbers so that you can quote it if required. Ideally you would also know the policy number (keep paperwork! Don’t throw it away, you never know what you need).

Think about contacting an advice line or charity for financial support, it may be that they can put you in touch with fuel suppliers, water suppliers, and other companies. If your income is suddenly reduced you need to know how you can pay bills. There are charities and trusts out there that might be able to help with grants.

Contact solicitors to discuss rewriting your will if your partner has passed away. This may also require changing the executors of a will and also what to do if you need to go to probate (not something that I have dealt with yet).

Advise other companies like banks, phone suppliers and other groups to transfer their account into your name if you are the sole beneficiary or if these need to go to probate to determine the best way to share out any estate.

By now my head was buzzing. Every time I think I’ve done everything something else comes up. Above all don’t think you can do everything at once. Give yourself time to grieve and take care of yourself.

There’s more to do, you learn as you go on.

Blurred

Time blurs everything. Thirty years ago I was doing a course at college and for a while I rented a small studio with two other artists. But it didnt work out. One of them was collecting egg boxes to try and insulate the walls as the place was freezing in the winter but also to try and deaden the noise of rock music one of the artists used to like playing. The windows had arched wooden frames that were quite architectural but they were single glazed. I only painted a few things but when I was there and the music was on it would drive me mad. Unfortunately I could only use the place in the evenings and that coincided with the rock sessions. So I gave it up in the end. Now I’m looking at leaving my current studio. It’s too expensive to carry on renting. If it is the choice between paying rent for it or paying the fuel bills I have to make the sensible choice.

A better day

I went out in the car today. Only to a post office to send some documents off and get some shopping. The postmaster asked me what was in the envelope that was addressed to “the bereavement team”. When I said a copy of hubbys will and death certificate he was instantly sympathetic.

As a sign we might be living in the matrix, while I had been waiting in the queue I had spotted a box of cuppa soups that I like. After I’d handed over my letter I turned round to pick up the soup… Where was it. I stood for two or three minutes but could no longer see it. A glitch in the matrix? All the other boxes of soup I had spied were also missing. Perhaps I had dreamt it.

Then I went into a shop and got a cornish pasty and a chocolate brownie for tea. I noticed that the woman who served me had a runny nose and touched it with her hand before picking up the brownie. I got home washed my hands, microwaved the pasty, washed my hands, microwaved the brownie, washed my hands. I think I might have been overcautious but I’d rather be safe than sorry.

Now

Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?

The past is behind me, I cannot change it. I want to, but it’s twisted up like knots or knitting. Tangled threads that tie everything in place. Nothing can escape again, so I say let it be. Don’t get caught in it’s net and be held back by the past.

The future is out of control without a time machine. Each step of the day splits and shatters into a miriad of gleaming shards. Each action reflects against the next and distorts the future more and more, until the never ending possibilities are too mixed up to see clearly.

So I prefer now. I grip it tightly and try to hang on, like holding a tiger by its tail as it thrashes about. I try and control it as much as I can, I never know if it will slip my grasp and fall apart. But I try.

Oh for a good night’s sleep

Distractions don’t work, I’m dreading the night, time for my mind to run riot. Put the radio on low? I just have to listen. I can’t stop myself. It’s too dark so I put the light on to feel safer. The cats jump on the bed but then want attention. My head spins. My circadian rythms are all over the place. A cup of cocoa doesnt work. Yawning now. 8.30am another sleepless night.