I just unlocked some grief, from long ago. It was hidden deep, the reason why I don’t buy many clothes and shoes for myself. 

Why I feel guilt, and hurt, sad to be left behindy by my dad. 

Father died and we had nothing but his bequest to buy clothes for his funeral. That set up the guilt, Mom needed the money more than us. But she insisted, we had to be smart. Look nice. To choose our own outfits. I think that has always stayed with me. Grief and guilt mixed into a behaviour. Still sad now all these years later.