Isolated

When Covid happened I got used to living in my bubble with my hubby and my cats. I never really came out of that isolation. We were both travelling less and as we both started to suffer with various ailments we often didn’t feel like visiting people or travelling far. I saw friends, but not very often.

Then when I lost my hubby last December, and I had various health issues I virtually stopped going anywhere except to the shops, appointments or the choirs I am in. My one day away this year was a coach trip with a group I am in to the Welsh coast to visit a relative. I was there for 5 or 6 hours then caught the coach home. I’ve found I cannot drive there on my own. I was too used to having my hubby with me as a passenger and I didn’t realise how much I relied on him as a support (and I was supporting him). Nerves and anxiety and illness seem to stop me.

Now I don’t like to bother people, so I try not to ask for help. I stay inside as much as I can, curtains closed, door locked, just occasionally going to the shops when I have run out of most things. I find big supermarkets overwhelming and go round them in the evenings when they are quiet. I know I need to break out, I’m to comfortable with the isolation, but I’m sure it’s not good for me. Plus I miss appointments because of anxiety. I need to pull myself together.. But my curtains remain closed!

On a quiet day

On a quiet day

The world can stay

Bound in a shroud

No need to unwrap

Or unstrap

The troubles on my back.

I’ll rest my eyes

As time slowly flies

Through the open windows.

The sky is grey

And I can’t say

If my troubles have dwindled.

I need repair

And real self care

To haul me through my sadness

Without that care, a real nightmare

Will send me into madness.

So quiettude is what I seek.

No loud hurrahs

No rowdy bars

Just me, alone, asleep.

Being isolated.

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That feeling of being trapped, a prisoner. But should that be our first feeling? In these weird times we can use ideas to try and cope. I’ve been talking to a friend, and I said that I thought being enclosed in a home is more akin to being a priest or a nun. Let me explain. I don’t mean in a religious way exactly. But if your home is safe, then it’s like being closed off from the rest of the world. Even to the extent that some people became hermits. Clearly this is not out of choice. But the point is you don’t have to feel imprisoned.

Yes it’s frustrating. I would really like to go to a restaurant or a pub or go out for a walk. And because I can’t go out I think about it more. But it is a temporary situation. It’s bad, but it’s not going to harm me to stay home. Stay safe.

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