People aren’t around, and if they were I don’t want to bother them. Some memories have been arriving on my Facebook page and I remembered what fun I was having ten years ago. People were there then, a group who worked together. Work was OK, life was satisfying.
Now? I feel shattered, broken, I’ve caught myself crying a few times. I’ve got things planned for later on, so I hope I’ll be OK. Life is up and down at the moment. I’m sharing this here because it’s better to get things off your chest. I need to unstick myself and stop thinking about things. But worries assert themselves.
This was triggered by adverts for funeral plans and wills on the TV and seeing seven or eight police cars and an ambulance up the hill last night. What happened? Are people OK? Nothing in the news, but anxiety bites again.
When something happens to a relative or partner no one explains what you need to do. If you’ve never done it before it can be daunting and if you don’t know what services are out there where do you start?
Children might learn civics at school but adults can’t attend bereavement classes as far as I’m aware. Maybe that should be my mission, to set up a group to help. But at the moment I’m not up to doing that. However I have found out a few things that might help if you live in the UK.
Firstly you need to register the death if that is your responsibility. In England there are local registrars of births, deaths and marriages. You need to make an appointment to do this. They will issue original death certificates. Also contact funeral directors to decide what sort of funeral you want (and can afford).
Once you have the death certificates you will be able to nominate your funeral director to release the body. They will then make arrangements for the funeral. There are now direct or simple cremations that are basic and if you are left in financial difficulty they might be the most suitable. I felt guilty but had discussed this with my partner because we knew he was very ill.
Find out from the department of work and pensions if you are entitled to a funeral or bereavement allowance. The funeral allowance depends on whether you are on an income based allowance. The bereavement payment does not, and gives a small lump sum plus a monthly payment for 18 months.
Find out if you are a beneficiary for your partners private pension if they have one. If you have both written wills make sure you have nominated each other for this. I had to send the death certificate and will plus other information off to the company. Make sure you know each other’s national insurance numbers so that you can quote it if required. Ideally you would also know the policy number (keep paperwork! Don’t throw it away, you never know what you need).
Think about contacting an advice line or charity for financial support, it may be that they can put you in touch with fuel suppliers, water suppliers, and other companies. If your income is suddenly reduced you need to know how you can pay bills. There are charities and trusts out there that might be able to help with grants.
Contact solicitors to discuss rewriting your will if your partner has passed away. This may also require changing the executors of a will and also what to do if you need to go to probate (not something that I have dealt with yet).
Advise other companies like banks, phone suppliers and other groups to transfer their account into your name if you are the sole beneficiary or if these need to go to probate to determine the best way to share out any estate.
By now my head was buzzing. Every time I think I’ve done everything something else comes up. Above all don’t think you can do everything at once. Give yourself time to grieve and take care of yourself.
The Queen is lying in state in Westminster Hall with Guards at each corner of the dias where her coffin sits draped in the Royal standard. She has been there since Thursday and the public are filing past in solemn mourning. A queue up to five miles long as been moving slowly through London while people wait to view the Monarch. The start of the queue was suspended for a while as there were too many people joining it. At one stage they were saying it would take twenty two hours to reach Westminster Hall. It is continuing to move night and day, and will run until the last people are allowed to view the lying in state at six thirty am on Monday 19th September. After that the queue will be closed and will have to disperse because the State Funeral will take place. Such a sad and solemn occasion.
Who shall I speak to? Will they listen to me? So many questions to ask.
She stood in front of the microphone and wished she had written the thoughts down. She had known she would have to speak at the funeral, but had shied away from her obligation. The death of her friend had been a shock. He was only 60 when he passed away. She remembered an old boss of hers telling her off. They don’t pass away or pass on, they die said the woman.
No, she would say pass on. She would say sadly missed. She would say that his passing had left a hole in many lives. She had not seen much of him recently. Things had been bleak, people were not going out as much as they had. A cough could be enough to panic friends into staying away.
The funeral was only sparsely attended. The few people that were there were well separated. Women wore veils over dark coloured masks, the men wore cravats and masks. Good old fashion design getting involved in the workings of life and death. Things had to be chic.
So many questions to ask and then try and answer. She would struggle for words. But she would manage it.
Mallaband-Brown 