Him

Every day I think about him, and frequently apologise to him for not looking after him better. I know I have lots of friends and I try to keep active, but the tears come and I think of what I would be saying to him, or where we could go. The bubble of trouble and fun that was him has gone. All I have is memories.

Posted on Posted in Fine Art, Memories, Uncategorized

4 thoughts on “Him”

  1. My bet is that you did everything you could and knew to do. Everyone feels guilt when they lose a loved one — even I do when I have to put a dog to sleep! It’s easy to forget how complicated a relationship might have been (even with a dog!) and how little power we actually have. Forgive yourself, Chris, when you are able. ❤️

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      1. Forgiveness is essentially letting go of our inability to change the past.

        I had a lot of guilt over my brother, as you can imagine. My family didn’t help. It even seemed to me, at times, as if my brother’s life mattered more than mine — both to me and my family. Then I realized. Whatever it was that happened, happened. I couldn’t change it as much as I wanted to, as much as every day of my life I miss my brother. I don’t expect EVER not to miss my brother.

        After a while, I understood that letting go of my guilt didn’t mean I let go of the love I felt for my brother or negated all the good times we had (or the bad).

        I’ve had a few dogs die in ways that were horrible and for which I felt responsible. I won’t describe them except that one dog died in my living room, suddenly. It could have been my fault. When I found her, I sat down by her body and held it, putting my chin on her head. I cried and cried. After a little while my OTHER dog came to me and put her nose under my chin and lifted it from the dead dog as if to say, “I know you’re sad, but Kelly is dead and I’m not and you aren’t either.” There was profound truth in my dog’s simple dog-gesture.

        So, it really is about letting go of not being able to change the past. I couldn’t make my brother sober (I tried). All my love and determination couldn’t save my dad from Multiple Sclerosis. My mom killed herself because, basically, she was never able to get over her feelings of resentment that my dad had died and her guilt for having been a mean bitch.

        You’ll get there, Chris. ❤️

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